Rainbows From Rain

  I'm feeling very down today.  It's CD 6 and AF is over - just spotting now.  I took my final dose of Clomid tonight.  I really don't feel any different.  Starting to wonder if these were sugar pills or what.  I've had a very emotional day.  My girls graduated middle school and I didn't go to their graduation.  I'm disappointed in myself and I won't be winning any mother of the year awards.  I just couldn't do it.  I...there are a lot of reasons but basically I just was being a selfish cow, fearful of my own emotions, social anxiety, etc. It's the 30th.  June has no 31st.  Six months.  Six fucking months.  And here I am no better for it.  Worse for it actually.  Going to try to get it together so I can enjoy the weekend with my hubby.

  Today has been pretty uneventful.  I got zero sleep last night.  Didn't get to sleep until about 11am this morning and slept until 4pm.  The AZO I'm taking for my UTI is helping with the painful cramps which I now suspect were due to the UTI because they stopped when I began taking that.  My flow is pretty heavy today.  I'm still having some burning when I pee and my pee is orange (side effect of the AZO).  But my urgency to go is better now and I feel like I'm able to get pee out easier. I couldn't say if I had any side effects from the Clomid last night or not because I was in so much pain and preoccupied with the UTI and cramps that I didn't notice anything else.  I've had a stressful day for various reasons and I feel overwhelmed and when I get overwhelmed I shut down emotionally and just kind of hide within myself, blocking everything else out. I took tonight's Clomid dose and that was about 30-45 mins ago and I don't feel anything so far. ...

  It is what it is.  I'm trying to stay positive but I'm in so much physical pain right now.  I was barely even pregnant but OMG the cramps.  Plus I have a UTI or bladder infection - not sure what but lower abdoinal pain and right ovary pain....just pain pain pain. The emotional part, I can handle.  I've been pregnant SIX times (possibly more).  I have two living daughters who are teenagers, one departed son - my angel Jackson who was born sleeping New Year's Eve 2016 at 31 weeks due to a cord accident, and I had a miscarriage in November 1998 ("Bernice"), May 2011 ("PJ") and now June 2017 whom I have dubbed "Carli" due to a dream I had during the 2WW about a baby girl named Carli that we adopted.  My point is, this isn't my first rodeo.  I've had a few other suspected chemicals as well over the years but none of them confirmed with a positive test.  Well there was "Nevaeh" in January 2008 but I only had one positive test ...

  Gonna make this quick as I'm emotionally exhausted.  Got up this morning, temp had dropped a bit but still above CL.  Went potty and had a little pink spotting.  I figured ok that's that, but I'll take these tests anyway cuz why not. After 5-10 mins I see nothing notable other than maybe something on FRER?   I resign myself to AF coming and take a long nap.  Wake up, more spotting but it's pink and brown now - old blood? So I get up to grab the tests from earlier to throw them away and as I pick them up I'm nearly knocked on my ass by two obvious bfp's, no squinting required!         So of course my head is spinning.  How is this possible?  Ive taken thousands (not exaggerating) of tests in the many years of TTC struggles and I've seen my share of Evaps.  If it were one test, ok.  But two different brands from the same pee??? So I have googled and wondered and pondered all day.  No cramping.  The spotting ...

  Well....this has been an interesting day.  I tested with FMU, honestly not expecting anything since I assumed AF or spotting would be here any moment.             So I thought maybe I see something on the FRER, but not on the Wondfo or $tree.  Before I laid down for a long nap, I felt like AF started but nope it was just some ewcm.  I felt super hot last night and this morning.  I had some strong right lower back pain and ovary pain and had weird feeling in my uterus/abdomen.  Almost like rumbling but not digestive.   So took a long nap, woke up and Jessie had texted me about a pregnancy dream she had.  So I  took 3 tests...still no spotting.         One again maybe something on FRER but not sure.  I think I see something on $tree but nothing is a clear yes....or a clear no.  It's confusing, exciting, scary as hell cuz I'm afraid of getting my hopes up only to have them dashed. So ...

  Ugh.  That's the only word I can use for today.  BFN Wondfo and FRER with FMU.  Like not even a hint of a line.  I really feel like this is the end of the line and AF will be here by Sunday (12dpo), Monday at the latest.  I'm just so fed up with it all, and when I get to this point in my cycle where I've realized the chances of a BFP are slim to none, I just think...ok let's just get on with it then.  I know they say 10 dpo is still really early but it's actually not.  Not when you have pregnancy tests that pick up extremely low levels of hcg.  And yes some don't get bfp until 11, 12 dpo or even later but they're the exception, not the rule.  At least it feels that way.  So yeah....just waiting on the witch to arrive.  I hope my Clomid arrives in time for me to use it.  It's sitting in customs in NYC at the moment.  This mornings stupid BFN's.....       *Update* I got some sleep finally, and woke up w...

  9 dpo - Temp 97.31 @ 4:30am (1.5 hr sleep) and was restless, itchy, mouth breathing and uncomfortable.  Temp 98.40 @ 5:45am (no sleep).  Have not peed since 2:30am, very minimal liquids, before FMU test @ 6:30am Symptoms:  nausea last night and this morning, suuuper intense itching, cramping especially right ovary.  Last night (this morning) as I was laying down to sleep, I felt a distinct tap, almost like a big bubble popping, in my uterus on the left side and it startled me.  It felt exactly like implantation with Jackson only it wasn't several taps it was just one big one.  Really hoping that was little one burrowing in because I literally was in the middle of praying and asking it to, if it was there.  Boobs are sore, especially nipples.  Test lines looking the same so maybe I have a bad batch?  The cosmic joke the universe plays on me 🙄 .   This morning's FMU Wondfo and FRER...   My chart...   Jumped into be...

Hmm ok so I'm having definite queasiness, slightly sore boobs, thirsty, intense hunger.  When I wiped tonight (not after BM) I had like clumps or gobs of yellow sticky ewcm that looked identical to snot and was stretchy.  Very odd for me.  I was feeling very warm, almost flushed - took my temp at it was 99.04!  I'm also having some moderate AF cramps, seems concentrated on the right ovary area.  Had a couple of naps today, a headache, vivid dreams again - this time I was on a houseboat and having sex in bathroom/shower.  These dreams seem to have water or food or sex in them.  Very weird.  This morning my Dr. Pepper tasted strange, like extra carbonated.  And tonight Jordyn made chocolate chip cookies (Tollhouse I think) and they tasted funny/off. I took a Wondfo with the new batch I got and was debating on taking a frer too but decided not to.  And then I saw something, or at least I thought I did, on the Wondfo so I took the frer but i...

  So here we are at 8 dpo.  Still having symptoms such as on and off nausea, intense hunger, red blotchy rash since yesterday on my chest, had some light cramping yesterday - none today but my abdomen does feel a little tender/sore.  Boobs slightly tender off and on.  I think my left nipple looks darker but it's hard to say for sure.  My boobs don't really feel heavy anymore.  The nausea is definitely weird though - I'm either super hungry or queasy and that's how I was with Jackson too although granted it was a bit further along I think.  Tests are bfn....     Top is FMU.  Middle and bottom are SMU same urine.  I don't see anything.  Maybe a phantom line on the FMU test but this is like four hours later and I get them all the time so it's nothing to even remotely get excited about.   My chart....   Good news is my temp went back up!  So maybe 6/7 dpo was implantation?  We'll see I guess. Tonight's test.... ...