Cycle #5 ~ 10 dpo

 

Ugh.  That's the only word I can use for today.  BFN Wondfo and FRER with FMU.  Like not even a hint of a line.  I really feel like this is the end of the line and AF will be here by Sunday (12dpo), Monday at the latest.  I'm just so fed up with it all, and when I get to this point in my cycle where I've realized the chances of a BFP are slim to none, I just think...ok let's just get on with it then.  I know they say 10 dpo is still really early but it's actually not.  Not when you have pregnancy tests that pick up extremely low levels of hcg.  And yes some don't get bfp until 11, 12 dpo or even later but they're the exception, not the rule.  At least it feels that way.  So yeah....just waiting on the witch to arrive.  I hope my Clomid arrives in time for me to use it.  It's sitting in customs in NYC at the moment.  This mornings stupid BFN's.....

 

 

 

*Update*

I got some sleep finally, and woke up with resignation.  So I dipped a Wondfo.  Didn't see anything....other than that same stupid faint line....

 

 

I stared at it for a while and decided I might as well dip a FRER since I'm sure AF will be here tomorrow or Sunday...

 

 

I don't see anything on the FRER at all.  But now that the Wondfo (SMU) has dried there's a line there.  Of course I can't trust it cuz it's at about 30 mins so we'll past the time limit.  Still it's interesting cuz that's the first one this cycle that's dried with a decent line.  Here's a comparison of the FMU and SMU Wondfo...

 

 

So what does all this mean?  Precisely nothing.  The dried SMU Wondfo is probably just a fluke.  Surely I would have something on the FRER if this was for real.  In my Googling I find that it goes both ways.  Some people will have very obvious bfp on Wondfo days before their frer has a faint line.  Some people it's the opposite.  And there's never any explanation as to WHY??  Which makes me think there is a lot that's still very misunderstood about hcg.  I even saw a research study where they were trying to determine basically how long it takes the hcg to show up in urine compared to when it shows up in blood.  Interestingly, some of the participants actually produced hcg in their urine while having a NEGATIVE blood test for several days before it was picked up in the blood.  Why? No explanation is given.  I have my own theory...

 

So basically everything they tell you, which is pretty much that once implantation occurs, it takes 2-3 days to begin producing hcg which can be measured in blood.  Then another 2-3 days before it can be measured in the urine.  Yet they also tell you that implantation usually happens between 6-12dpo.  So based on that logic, the earliest you could expect it to be picked up in the blood would be 8dpo, and urine would be 10dpo.  But we know that's not true because lots of women get bfp on urine tests at 8dpo.  None of it makes sense.  And no one seems to be able to explain it.  My best guess....besides aliens....is that (fact) there are many different types of hcg.  HPT's generally look for one type which is apparently the most common.  However (also fact) some tests like FRER and CBE digital also look for one other type which supposedly shows up earlier on a test for some women but not all.  And there are some women who produce hcg in the urine before the blood - this defies logic but it's a fact based on the research study I read.

I'm the type of person that likes to know WHY things are the way they are, and it drives me mental that there's no explanation.  We can put a person on the moon, find subtle signs of life on mars, yet we can't get a solid answer scientifically for how we reproduce?  It really is disturbing.  

Jumping off my soapbox now.  Ultimately I know I just have to wait until AF arrives, confirming that I am not pregnant, or wait for a test - whether it costs 30 cent or $4, to tell me I'm pregnant.  Everything in between is just speculation.  I really wish I could just wait until my missed period to find out the answer but my curious and impatient nature just won't let me.

On a positive note, my temp is still high.  I expected it to drop today but it did not.

 

I felt AF cramping on 7 and 8 dpo and felt that weird bubble pop sensation on 8 dpo late at night.  No spotting other than that one teeny tiny speck on 6 dpo which I'm sure wasn't implantation because I should have a positive by now if it were.  It was probably just irritation.  I'm fully expecting to start spotting today or tomorrow, followed by AF arriving on Sunday when I'm 12 dpo.  Maybe Monday at 13 dpo.  I don't believe I have ever had a LP that was longer than 12 dpo.  At least not in the past several years of charting.  So we shall see.  I won't be holding my breath.  😐 This cycle has been so bizarre.

Anyway as far as symptoms go, I can't really say I have any.  My super hunger has subsided, no cravings, no sore boobs (maybe slightly tender?).  No nausea since yesterday.  I don't feel exhausted.  I feel 100% normal other than I'm rather irritable today but I think that's more to do with the circumstances than anything.  I fully believe I'm "out" at this point.  It's Friday and I'm going to try to not let any of this ruin my weekend.  I'm going to do some cleaning and take a shower and just relax and await the inevitable.  

I miss my son, I'm so angry and sad that he died.  I'm so angry and sad that I'm not pregnant yet 6 months later.  I feel like it's sooooo fucking unfair.  I see story after story on the news about people abusing or murdering their babies.  People just throwing them away - literally in the trash.  People who don't deserve to be parents.  People who have abortions - and not just one "oops I got careless and made a mistake", but multiple abortions as a form of birth control.  People who do drugs and drink while pregnant.  It's not right.  And I'm pissed off about it.  Why shouldn't I be?  Maybe the sting of it all will ease a little bit if I could just get pregnant again.  And maybe it never will.  Maybe I never will.  Maybe I'm just PMS'ing now.  The longer this goes on the less faith I have and the more isolated I feel.  I try to be positive, but some days it's just hard and I just have to allow myself to be ANGRY!  I think I'll go insane otherwise.