Cycle #9 ~ 4 DPO



Insomnia is very bad these past few days.  When I do sleep it's restless, I wake up every 2-3 hours.  During my nap today I dreamed I was pregnant.  Woke up feeling sad.  I don't even remember the details now but I remember being really nervous and scared about getting an ultrasound done for fear that the baby will have died like Jackson had.  Sometimes it weighs very heavily on me, and I get these feelings of disbelief like omg I can't believe this really happened.  Sometimes I fantasize that I'll wake up from a nightmare and all this will have just been a dream and I'll be so relieved to wake up and realize I'm still pregnant and my baby is fine.  In my head I know that won't happen but my heart still wishes it would.

I feel my hope fading.  I feel myself sinking back into depression.  I have a lot of anxiety.  I just feel like I'm in a big ocean, sinking further and further down.  I've had some pretty dark thoughts lately that I don't want to discuss or even contemplate because it scares me.  I need something to happen, to change.  I need to be pregnant again and yet the thought of it terrifies me too.  I have lives through this loss and survived it.  It's been almost a year which is hard to believe.  I don't have confidence that I would survive it a second time.

Anyway up to this point I haven't had any symptoms to speak of.  Tonight I did feel sick during dinner and had to stop eating.  That was about 30 mins ago and I still feel a little nauseous.  The nausea isn't unusual - it happens sometimes especially after O.  Same with insomnia which has been ongoing for years and keeps getting worse with only short bouts of relief.  The vivid dreams aren't unusual either, and they tend to occur after O as well.  I can't remember the last pregnancy/baby dream I had but it's been a while.

At only 4dpo I guess I can't expect any symptoms.  :::shrugs:::

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