Really Struggling

Well if you haven't guessed, AF showed on 12 dpo, right on time.  My girls started high school today.  I didn't see this coming, the emotional overload it's caused.  I just sit here and think my God, it went by so fast.  One minute I'm holding my newborn, the next her first day of kindergarten, and then I blinked and she's off to high school.  It's a deep, gut-wrenching sorrow I was not prepared for.  No one tells you this stuff when you're pregnant or when you're a new parent.  Or maybe they do and you just brush it off because at the time your days seem never ending.  Until they do.  And I can't go back in time.  Maybe my time as being a mommy is passed.  Maybe it's best that I don't have a baby because all this pain I'm going through with my girls growing up and all the realizations that come with it, my husband's health isn't the best....maybe my time is done now.  All happiness I ever had is over.  All joy, long gone.  Now it's just going to be a series of losses from here on out.  To be real honest I hope the next one is me.  I can't bear to lose another child or my husband.  I just think it's over for me, as difficult as it is for me to admit.  I can't turn back the clock to December 2016 when everything was right in the world.  Now it's all wrong.  I keep hoping I'm going to just wake up and realize it's all just been a terrible nightmare.  How do you shake that feeling???

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