Cycle #7 ~ 8 DPO

  
So 8 dpo.  Yay!  Can finally test with some hope of a bfp!

   

Chart is looking decent.  Not terrible, not awesome.


Tests this morning were BFN.  Thought maybe I saw a hint of something but I'm sure it was just the line I always see cuz I'm a spaz.

 
 
One cool thing though, today was the total solar eclipse - first one since 1918 for the USA.  We weren't in the path of totality but were supposed to have 93% coverage.  I was kind of disappointed actually.  It looked neat outside - kinda dusky but more like the sun got covered by a cloud even though it wasn't.  I recorded it on my phone and found out later I might have messed up the sensors or something.  Oops!  It seems fine so far so maybe I got lucky.  Would have been cool to get a BFP on today of all days but it was a weird day.  Hubby had to go to the ER via ambulance from his work - turned out to be dehydration but it was scary.  I was in a decent mood again today.  Haven't had any emotional breakdowns lately but that usually means one is coming and it will hit hard.  Probably when AF arrives this cycle.  Yes I'm pessimistic.  Just don't feel like we timed it right this month and I just feel kinda blah about it.  Girls start school soon and I'm kinda focused on that.  Open house tomorrow for them.  New school (high school!), and I'm sitting here like where the hell did the time go????  Yesterday I was holding infants.  Today I have two teenagers.  I miss my son.  Even when good things happen or I'm having a good time, there's always that twinge of sadness because I'm thinking about Jackson and what might have been, what should have been.  I saw so many babies at the beach and it killed me.  It really stressed me out and I would look away or just try not to freak out.  One restaurant we went in, I'm not exaggerating....SIX babies (all appeared to be girls) who looked to be less than a year old...came in.  None of them together.  It was weird cuz they all appeared to be about the same age.  I held it together.  I struggled though, I really did.  And I shed a couple of tears quietly by myself at night in the bathroom, going to sleep or on the balcony by myself.  I'm still so sad but I'm trying to just keep going...keep taking another breath, another step.  My heart keeps beating.  I have made it this far.  But I'm starting to fall back into the "this is never going to happen and do I even want it to?" Mode which I'm sure is just self-preservation.  Before I got pregnant with Jackson I had resigned myself to never having a baby.  And now it's like....after all I've been through can I actually go back to that?  Is it even possible?  More importantly do I even have a choice?  If I walk away from my TTC attempts I'm afraid I will never forgive myself, nor would DH.  I just don't know anymore.  I'm scared.

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