Cycle #5 ~ 2 dpo

 

I guess I'm having a fallback rise pattern on my chart.  

 

I hope so anyway.  I'm pretty confident that I did in fact O because I had a positive opk and a peak on the clearblue advanced opk on cd 15.  I have had this happen before once or twice but I adjusted or discarded the temps to make my chart "pretty", but I'm going to just leave it this time.  My temp doesn't determine whether I O'd or not, it just one of many clues.  I trust the OPK's and my body more - I had some cramping that I'm sure was O and I had ewcm for the first time in a long while!  If my temp doesn't go back up I'll be concerned but for now I'm not going to let it worry me.

I've had a very emotional day.  Tomorrow marks one year since I found out I was pregnant with Jackson.  It was such a joyous day for me then, and I had imagined that I would have a four month old baby now.  But....I do not.  I spent some time crying, then looked through his things from the hospital like the gown, hat and blanket he was wearing when I first held him, the footprint mold, etc.  and then I went into his room and spent some time with my teddy bear version of him.  It's a bear we got when I was about 12 weeks along and had an ultrasound at a place where they give you a DVD of it and a stuffed animal with a recording of his heartbeat.  I never imagined those things would mean so much to me but I'm so thankful I had them done because it's one of the few things I can hang onto that remind me that he existed and was a real person with a beating heart.  So I held "him" and rocked him, played one of his musical toys and I decided to change his outfit too.  I put him on a beach themed onesie since it's June, some baseball socks in honor of Father's Day coming up, a beachy hat, and a "Crabby but Cute" bib.

I talked to him a little bit and cried of course.  The last time I went in there was a couple months ago.  The time before that was in February on his due date.  It's not something I can do often because it just hurts so much but I know it's good to get it out.  The room is as it was left at Christmas.  The tree is still up...dead now of course.  All the Christmas decor is still up because that's the room we used for our Christmas festivities and none of us has been able to go in there, except for me.  Someday when I'm pregnant again and past the crucial first trimester, I'll venture in there and start sorting it all out.  It may be close to Christmas again by then lol.  Gradually it will get....not easier....but more bearable.  Especially when I have a new one on the way to help soften the blow.

So yes even though I'm 2 dpo and I could be pregnant right now, I won't know it for another week or two.  And although I want to be optimistic this month and hope and pray for the best, my heart tells me to prepare for another BFN and do what I must to increase my chances going forward.

So today I ordered some Clomid.  I'm going to be taking it not under a doctor's care.  I could elaborate and explain my reasons why but I'm just going to leave it at that.  I do have my own valid reasons, and I fully understand the risk I'm taking.  At this point, I believe I would be willing to sell my soul to the devil to be pregnant again - and unless you have lived through all of this (infertility, stillbirth, infertility again) you cannot know what led me to this point, but here I am.

So if this cycle does not result in a BFP, then I will have my Clomid to try for up to three cycles if it's necessary.  After that, I will have to begin looking into IUI or IVF.  I'm at a point of desperation.  Last year at this time I had resolved myself to never having another child.  I didn't think it was even possible.  And then my ray of hope appeared.....and then was snatched away from me.  Now I'm left with empty arms, an empty bassinet, baby clothes that have no one to wear them, diapers and baby wipes that have no little bum to put them on, and many other baby items but no baby.  And worst of all, a heart so full of love, a daddy and sisters that were so ready to welcome a baby brother....and there is nothing to fill that massive void unless I can become pregnant again by some miracle.

I ovulate every month.  But so far I've ovulated 4 times since Jackson was born and none have resulted in pregnancy.  I'm hoping Five is my lucky number!  If not.....at least I have the Clomid.

Oh and btw other than my extreme emotional distress today, no symptoms to report.  Oh actually I did have some ewcm after a BM earlier which isn't unusual for me.  I'm about to take a nap - not really tired but emotionally spent and just need to rest I think.