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Cycle #10 ~ CD 11

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Well here we are in November.  I’m very conflicted right now because I’m just to that point where I don’t know what else to do to get pregnant.  I’ve done everything that’s within my power.  Part of me wants to just throw my hands up and give up.  I’m almost 40.  DH is 47.  My girls are 14 and 15.  Maybe it’s just too late.  I have to be okay with the possibility of not having a baby.  And I’m so not okay with that, but I don’t know what else to do. As the holidays creep closer and the anniversary of Jackson’s birth/death nears, I just feel this heaviness, this weight that I can’t seem to shake and the closer it gets, the more anxious I feel.  I don’t understand why this happened to me.  I so badly want to just erase it and start again.  I want my son.  And that, I cannot have.  At least not in this life. AF was four days long, fairly heavy.  Then there was four days of spotting.  I am not temping this cycle...
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Cycle #9 ~ 11 DPO

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Well my temp is still up there, and even went up slightly this morning.  It makes me optimistic because usually by this point my temp would be coming down in preparation for AF. However as you can see, my tests were negative, and my pee was very concentrated too.  So I’m still thinking I’m out.  I have major heartburn because I ran out of my Nexium.  It’s relentless.  And I now have nausea as well.  Pretty strongly in fact, but I’m sure it’s  just due to the heartburn.  My left teeth are bothering me today too.  And I’m tired.  But can’t sleep because of the heartburn/nausea/teeth problems.  Woe is me.  ☹️. No spotting, no cramping.  I had a bit of ewcm a few mins ago.  That’s not good because ewcm is closely related to estrogen and I do usually get ewcm just before, or along with AF.  So I’m sure she’s coming.  She’ll be right on time tomorrow.  I’ve never made it past my FF test date.  Not once. ...
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Cycle #9 ~ 10 DPO

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Chart still looks good!  Before I went to sleep, I checked my temp cuz I was feeling really warm internally.  Not like a sweaty hot feeling but just inside - it’s hard to describe.  Anyway I checked and my thermometer made a fast beeping noise which I’ve never noticed it doing before but apparently it does it when your temp is higher than what it should be.  Mine was 99.57.  Then I slept for a few hours and my waking temp was still high but more normal at 98.85. So the Wondfo this morning.....I see something there but it’s not super clear, and it’s almost like there are multiple lines.  Very weird.  I’m sure it’s nothing but it’s interesting.  I am down to one Wondfo left.  My new Wondfo’s and my FRER’s will be arriving today though. This is long after it’s dried.  The funny thing is, when I look at the test with my naked eye I can’t see it at all.  Just looks like any other negative.  And I know this is probably just a dye run...
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Cycle #9 ~ 9 DPO

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Fatigue....majorly.  I slept practically all day yesterday.  And last night I went to bed around 11pm or just after, and woke up at 3am.  Wondfo negative.  Temp up again!  I'm a little more optimistic now just because of the fatigue.  My chart looks awesome but I've had nice charts before that were negative.
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Cycle #9 ~ 8 DPO

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Not much to report.  Insomnia, general blah feeling, no energy, appetite is up and down, mood is mostly irritable, no nausea today so far.  Just business as usual.  Temp did go back up but only slightly.  Around 5am it was 99.3 but that was before I went to sleep so I didn't count it.
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Cycle #9 ~ 7 DPO

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My chart is still looking decent.  I have a dip as of today which could be an implantation dip but I know all too well that it could mean absolutely nothing too.  Wondfo negative.   I feel very strange today, and not in a good way.  I actually went to bed at midnight.  I was very tired cuz I had been up since 4:15am that morning.  Tooo my usual sleep cocktail and got to sleep.  But I woke up at 1am, then 3am.  Back to sleep around 5am, didn't wake up again until 12:45pm.  Very odd.  So my sleep was pretty restless.  I still feel pretty tired now.   Also when I woke up I felt a little nauseous, majorly decreased appetite.  Normally I'm starving when I wake up and eat immediately.  But today I just am not into it.  My throat feels very slightly sore, so I wonder if I'm getting sick which could explain that and the lack of appetite. Someone sprayed orange paint on our mailbox - stupid idiots.  I hate living her...
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Cycle #9 ~ 6 DPO

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Actually got a little sleep last night!  Well from 1am to 4am...3 while hours lol.  So I'm determined to stay awake all day today, get some laundry and cleaning done.  My chart is looking decent.  It shows a clear thermal shift.  I am still not particularly hopeful just because I've been fooled so many times by a nice chart, high temps, tons of symptoms or hardly any.  It really could go either way.  I took a Wondfo on a whim just cuz I'm crazy and figured what the hell.  Negative (duh) and you can even see the white line where it would be pink if it were positive.  So I guess it's less than negative lol.  I need to order more Wondfo and FRER today.  I'm gonna really try not to be in a test frenzy this time.  It's just too stressful. ***PM Update*** Parmesan cheese smelled like puke today and made me feel sick - never has before. Was very emotional today, had a good cry about all the things I'm missing with Jackson. Got irritab...
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